A Squirrel Tried to Kill Me

I’ve been biking to work for a couple months now, and it’s been going great. No major issues, and it’s actually quite relaxing… mostly. Today was an exception. Today I met a squirrel that I shall call Bernaldus (yes, it’s technically a name). Anyway, Bernaldus had a very bad attitude for some reason. I was just biking along, content in my peddling, enjoying the air, and generally just minding my own business. I came to a halt at a yield sign where the trail crosses a road. There was a car that didn’t have any stop or yield sign, so I came to a stop to let them have right of way, as per Seattle Ord 108200. Several other bikers just went flying past. I glared at them, smug in my obedience of the law…

The car proceeded on and I got going back up to my normal cadence and was once again enjoying the fresh air. Then WHAM! Out of nowhere Bernaldus comes scurrying out from under a bush and tries to bite my front wheel! I think I heard him swearing too. He was very cross indeed. Fortunately my bike and I outweigh Bernaldus by a good 50 pounds, so he was just spun around a bit and whacked into my pedal. I looked down in the moment and saw him laying on the ground, angrily glaring at me for just a brief second before skittering off back to his evil bush.

I continued on, shaken by my harrowing experience. I survived though. That counts for something. I fear Bernaldus is also well and is plotting his revenge. Tomorrow morning I will pass by his despicable home and we shall see if he wishes for further fisticuffs. I shall arm myself appropriate for such an encounter. Tomorrow, I ride with my battleaxe and crossbow. If Bernaldus wishes to tangle, I shall prove a daunting foe.


  • Do you still have that big pot of boiling water from the crab boil? I’m told squirrel is pretty good.
    Doesn’t Joni’s boss have a brother named Bernaldus?

  • Oh, I should have brought him back and let Joni deal with him! Next time Bernaldus, next time.

  • Varrioon wrote:

    Boiled squirrel. Could be interesting? Glad you survived the ambush. Bernaldus must have been planning that for weeks as he studied you movement patterns. Sadly, he underestimated the strength needed to take door the bicycle. Back to the drawing board.

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